Hi,
I’m 19 and I have a serious problem – I cannot get a closer relationship with a girl. As I’ve heard and was told, some women consider me as sexy and attractive. Also, I’ve been told that girls talk about me. Towards women, I behave with respect and kindly. I take care about my appearance and talk.
Every time I’m attracted to a girl, I try to get some details about her first. But, whenever I go forward, I loose my interest as she demonstrates hers, so I don’t consider her special any more. It happened to me about five times. If she hits on me by herself, then I no longer consider her special as well. Like if she is just another ordinary girl. However, I don’t want an ordinary girl – I want my princess for which I would do anything.
About two years ago, I used to approach 3-5 girls a month. Since that time, I figured out my requirements. It takes me 5 minutes to know, whether she fits them or not. I’m quite ambitious and that’s the heart of my problem.
I like to have a small talk with girls, but it usually ends there as I find something I don’t like – too different opinions, smoking, in the worst case she takes drugs, or she stays in touch with such people. It could be that I look for Miss Right the right way, although I cannot describe it. However, even when I found such girl, she broke with me, or I lost my interest. So, we talk about one girl per month, or two.
I’ll tell you about a date that hurts me most. Even today, I’m upbraid with myself for being so naïve and too sure.
In school, I noticed a girl. She looked perfect, so I wanted to know her. First, I asked one of her friends, what he thinks about her. His answer pleased me, so I set up an appointment. I guessed, when she goes back home from school, so I appeared “by an accident” and offered a ride home. She smiled and accepted. Halfway, I said that I needed to buy something to buy me a time to get to know her more. She agreed and we went shopping. Eventually, I introduced myself and got her name.
We talked about school, what she likes to do, and such general topics. Everything was fine. I took her home and asked for a phone number, in the end. She said that her phone is broken (an excuse, I would say), but she offered her ICQ number. I accepted. She told me to rather write it down, but said that I can remember it. Once she was out of sight, I stored it in my cell phone.
Two dates later (Friday), I put her into my contact list and send her a message. I introduced myself. We talked for about two hours, until she said she had to go. I made my first mistake, a mistake I was not aware at that time, and asked her for a date to take a walk on Saturday. Of course, she had her plans. Fortunately, she counter-offered with Sunday afternoon. I agreed and we set up a particular time and place.
I thought about the upcoming date for whole weekend and was a little bit nervous about it. She had not logged onto ICQ since we set the date, I did not had her phone number and I was afraid that she won’t come. In fact, she arrived few minutes earlier (at 2 pm). We walked few blocks talked about general topics again – what’s new, about yesterday, etc.
As we got back to the meeting point, a decision where to go next lied ahead. I could care less and she seemed so as well. We took a walk on a river’s bank and talked. It started to rain, so we took a shelter under a nearby roof. Since she talked much more than I did, I had no problem with the communication. She let me know that I look like her favorite Friends actor – Ross. I thought it played my cards.
It stopped raining and I offered two variants: we either would walk back (2-3 km), or go in an opposite direction into a hypermarket (4 km). She chose the hypermarket to get some chocolate. I love chocolate, so I said “super” to me. In the mean time, we got to other topics such as experience, dreams and wishes – it was my idea.
On the way, we met her ex. She just said hello to him with a smile and we continued. At 4 PM, we were at the place. I bought some chocolate and drink and we sat for a while. As we were about to leave, I gave her two choices – to walk back, or to use a bus. It was a nice weather, so she chose the walk.
On our way back, we talked about us. She told me, how she feels nice with me for several times. I had no better idea than to reply with “I too”. Afterwards, I took her by the hand and we held until we get back.
At 6 PM, we were at her home. Her mom wanted her to go home, she told her mom the she will walk the dog and do some shopping. So we went, without holding our hands now.
A then I made an amateurish mistake – I asked for another date. “I don’t know” was her answer. As it was getting late, 8 pm, she took the shopping and dog home. We spent another hour together and it got more intimate – sex.
As her mom urged her to get home, we set for leave and I accompanied her to the house. I disposed my chewing gum and saw she did the same. We kissed. It was a nice, long, passionate French kiss with a tender embrace. I was so happy that later that evening I sent her a message that it was great and asked for another date. Her response stood with “I don’t know” and “I have to go”.
The very next day, she was like a different person. Like if anything of yesterday ever happened. Since that time, we barely say hello to each other. About half year later, I asked what went wrong. She told that I pressed her. I took my lesson from that, because I have to meet her every day. An imagination as we could be together today, it tears my heart apart.
It may be that I have a problem in communication with women, or it’s another problem. Anyway, it torments me.
Thanks for your insight,
Scare, who would like to fix his "problem"
Hi,
Right in the beginning, I can tell you that this is no unsolvable problem. Moreover, you’ve started soon to work it out in time. Till she’s younger than 23, it is better to view it as an experience than a relationship that will last over centuries. Mostly, man dates a younger woman – this gives you enough time to better yourself.
And you do other things right as well – you want Miss Right, you realize that not every babe is Right, you care about your outlook and talk and mainly you don’t run away from problems. So, what does keep you down? Let’s find out.
Your desire for a dream princess for which you would do anything, it is a witness that you still entertain some romance ideas, which regretfully don’t work in the real world. This is the first reason.
The second reason is hidden within the number of approaches. Three to five girls per month is definitely something to improve. As you exclude smokers, alcoholics and other bad choices, there’s no wonder you end with one girl per month, or two. And that she is not the one you are looking for. You have to increase the number of approaches. I know, to many guys, your efforts might look good, but if you would like to measure the time to get Miss Right in months, without considering a fluke, you have to approach at least 30 girls per month. For instance, 4 through Monday to Friday and 4 per weekend. This can be done.
Overall, you have the right idea about dating principles. Thus, the third reason stands for mistakes in your performance. Let’s take a closer look at them.
Rather than to impersonate a chauffeur, it would be better to approach her as she would go from a bus, a train, or whatever she planed to use. Subconsciously, you presented yourself as Mr. Nice Guy who cares too much and therefore he doesn’t earn her respect. And without respect, she cannot love you. Not speaking about an idea to ride alone with a stranger in his car, who he wants it too much. Rejection chances were too high.
Cellular phone doesn’t break while one waits and it works most of the time. Very probably, it was an excuse. And if it was for sure, she did not have a positive interest level, or she is not flexible and therefore Right. On the other hand, she offered her ICQ number and that’s a form of communication too. However, to sign up for an ICQ account, you need to have an e-mail account. Why did not she give you both? E-mail address is far easier to remember than an ICQ UIN is. She did not try much to meet you again. It doesn’t look lie a very high interest level to me.
Sure, you might have a more cunning plant that to take just a walk. A nice restaurant would be better than a gallivanting along. It was a mistake to ask for Saturday. At least, there is a chance that she’ll already have other plans. Fortunately, she counter offered Sunday afternoon and that was OK.
It is nice that you were able to talk about common things such as what’s new, what she did yesterday, school, weather, etc., but man, I’ve got bored just by reading that! If you wanna stand out of the mass, use humor. Experience, dreams and wishes were a better choice. Anyway, as she handled most of your communication, she felt comfortable with you. Her reaction about her ex gives the same evidence.
You remind her Ross, the nice guy. A very probably, not just by your look. You’ve asked for her decision too much times. Self-confident man is decisive. If she does not agree, she is free to come up with a counter idea and than you can make a compromise. Other than that, and you ask her for permission. It kills her respect for you. You’ve furthermore build your nice guy image by parroting back, how nice you feel with her too. She had to learn that from your reactions. And moreover, she already felt nice;-) I advise you to read the article about Exploit.
The rest was nothing but a rushing in way too fast. If she has high interest level, she won’t forget you. Regarding touching on the first date, see The First Kiss article.
Next, you have to learn when to end the date. Have you noticed that her mom, dog and shopping had higher priority than you? You should have kissed her and get out of the scene, without trying to plan next date. As you’ve learned it was a mistake.
You can have a sex even if the interest level is low. And frankly, nothing has convinced me that her interest level was high. Yet, if we try to consider it as high, it was so near to the breaking point that even small mistake could turn it in into a low one. Your final message guaranteed the low interest level.
So she said you’ve pressured her too much? It was true, among others. She has so high interest level that she sleeps with you and few hours later, she’s not sure, whether she wants to see you again. Don’t get down with an idea how you could be together today, if you would do everything right. With this girl, you stood no chance for a long term relationship.
it might look like a high interest level.
SomeoneCZ
