Hello,
I am one of regular readers and I have to tell you – I agree with your articles, opinions and reactions on an occasional criticism. Since I have a time-intensive job, I don’t have a lot of opportunities to meet someone (and when I go somewhere, it gets odd… I know, the problem is within me) and the on-line dating is nothing I’m want to try.
I have to admit, I miss my “second half”. It turns me crazy! In my opinion, I do many things wrong – and I dare to say, I state this with a clear mind. On the other hand (no exaggeration or bragging), I look fine (sometimes, girls compliment me on this and I care for my look), but I don’t know, how to use it and that’s the problem! Simply said, I don’t know how to talk with girls, about what to talk, and when I seem to have a success, it last only a moment, before I blow it up.
I’m 25, but I feel as a bird brain with girls – I have problems to captivate their attention. I go to have a fun on weekends and that involves some alcohol, which is not the best tool to intrigue her. Sometimes, I have no problems with the first contact, but I always blow it up. Mostly, I don’t say proper things, thinking what I said wrong, but I’m no Yoder, nor playing a dab… I really don’t know, what’s wrong. Also, I do basic mistakes, not being creative, don’t know what to say and there are an awkward moments of silence… and it goes on, this way.
Trying to remember the last negative experience, I made… I see the problem as I address a woman. For instance, I see her and try to make up a funny, original greeting – to say how bonny I am, wearing a smile (not to play the dab). Perhaps, there is a bad intonation. Often when I speak, it looks like I’m loosing my voice. Then, when I ask her, she refuses – gently, but mostly. Prior that, I know she was looking after me… Generally, I did not put a grade on this, until recently – it starts to pester me.
I make the first contact in a form of an invitation to a drink. I know, I asked for the phone number too soon. When the first contact is fine, I think about everything to keep her attention. But the results are not always positive. After I visited the web portal, I realized what I done wrong.
The last experience: with a male friend of mine, we went around a bar wearing a smile – I noticed two girls looking after us. We said hello, they responded, but as we wanted to continue, they gave as clear signal “not interested”. So, we left, but I don’t think we did something wrong. Then, I see some guys (I hardly believe they stand a chance) to have a fun – what are we doing so bad, we don’t have a success?
I try to talk about relaxing themes – work, studies, hobbies, etc. I do not try to wheedle too much (to avoid an image of one-night hunter) – just to be OK somehow. I did many mistakes, as you’ve described them in your articles, and I try to eliminate them furthermore. My problem lies right at the beginning, whatever the place is – street, bar, disco or whatever. The truth is, I react on everything a girl says. I have a problem with this – I react before I think of my response. Often, I say something she does not like, or she expects a different answer – I let my self to be caught off-guards.
Thanks for your answer,
Robert, who wants to stop doing mistakes
Hi Robert,
It is important to realize that you can get into an “out of luck” situation from time to time. It can happen to anybody, no matter what he is alike. Nevertheless, this is no excuse for a persistent nonsuccess. If you want to better yourself, you cannot take this as an excuse at all. So, let’s get to review, what you can do better.
A time-intensive job does not give you many opportunities to meet someone. Many people use this to justify their unwanted loneliness. Those, who did not let them self down, try the on-line dating, or they find a time to have some fun with other people on weekend nights – just as you do. It is great, you don’t give it up.
Internet dating sites are not for you, as you say, but you admit you react sooner than you think about your reaction. Internet gives you an opportunity to fight this. While writing your response, you have a plenty of time to think about the text thoroughly. Of course, on-line dating has its pros and cons. But that’s for a standalone article. Nevertheless, try it. At least, it is an experience, even if nothing should come out of this. When writing, you don’t see her body language, or hear her voice, so you have to deal with an incomplete information. When talking live, you have to keep your emotions not to overrun you “only”.
Another positive trait – you care for your look. And another one – you can speak to unknown women. Do you know how many people have problems just to come to an unknown woman and talk to her? But, what do you say to up her interest level? If you start to feel desperate, don’t loose the positive thinking – see the article named “The Moral”.
Let’s take a look at the approach. You complain about a lack of creativity. Well, the creativity is a double-edged weapon. One edge can help you, but the other one can turn on you – when you come up with something wrong. Think about all your approaches and find common traits. Then, choose the successful ones only and use them in future conversations. When you’ll have enough of them, you can combine them as a puzzle and you won’t need to think about something new to say. Unless you are after the very same girls, they cannot tell the difference;-)
The voice problems result from an anxiety – you don’t believe in you success enough. And once again, it is great you don’t give it up. This problem will pass with time, when you will not be afraid of a rejection. It is normal to be rejected more often than to be accepted, when talking about a real high interest level.
A drink invitation is not going to work always. Respectively, when dealing with a mercenary and adequately expensive drink, it will work. But you have no interest in these. You are not the only one, who uses this tactic. Girls can be bored with this. Moreover, Miss Right won’t like it as she might get an impression you’re trying to buy her. From her point of view, the ideal first contact should be completely effortlessness and casual. For instance, you meet her on your ways to the bar – you have a common goal. She does not need to know, there’s more going on behind the scene. Or, she is having her drink somewhere, go to her, say hello and start talking. You can easily camouflage the awkward silence and the thinking time with drinking. When you are finished with your drinks, you go to the bar for another shot – once again, you have a common goal.
What to talk about? Always, be positive, nothing serious and never ever comment her look. Even if you cannot think about anything else to say, tell her you admire the way she holds the glass, but never comment her look. She knows how she looks and she is already bored with this by the other guys.
It might seem interesting to talk about a song being played. However, it usually turns into a serious debate, little longer into a monolog. To talk about lyrics is like to discuss a poem in the English lecture. It is much better to comment her reaction on the song. Even, if there is none, she can answer easily and therefore there’s a high chance she will – she will start to talk to you. Or, make up a rumor about the band. Something obviously fabricated, but funny. Something so funny, she will talk to you. Something, what will allow you to develop the fabricated story with her feedback. Now, you’ll have to push on your creativity. However, you can do this at home as a part of preparation for a party. Make up several stories and next time use only those parts, which worked as desired.
When she’s having a fun with you, and you’re at the best, ask for the phone number and go. If she really enjoyed your company, has high interest level and is available for you, she’ll give you the number, so you can continue some next time. If not, you’re not gonna loose time on a project without a perspective.
It is a risky business to talk about a job, or studies. There is nothing relaxing about it, if she does not enjoy it. There might be troubles with her boss, or there could be a hard exam ahead. Hobbies are far better, but it has to come naturally into a discussion – she should mention it. See the previous procedure – when having a fun, say: "It seems to me like you enjoy...". Or, when you anticipate her opinion on something, say it so she can agree. Just don’t push it to in the form of a form.
The last experience – and did they really look at you? Or, they could just have been having a fun at your bill. Some women can try to put you into a situation you cannot win. In such case, don’t event bother to try – that’s the best you can do about it. However, don’t use it as an excuse for everything.
As I don’t have a detailed record from a first contact, when she rejected you later, I cannot tell, what exactly is wrong. Nevertheless, it seems that you have the right approach, but you rush in way too fast. Since you are not able to eliminate all bugs in your plans on-the-fly, you should spend some time on a preparation prior the action. If you do this repeatedly for some time, people call it an experience;-) However, to see the effect, you need to learn to keep your head cool, not to respond immediately.
SomeoneCZ
